Where Did You Go??
Hello Beautiful Souls…
I wanted to take some time to address your questions about where I went and why I was gone. My hopes are to shed some light on those answers but also that you find inspiration in there telling.
It’s hard to believe that so much time has gone by since I “walked away” from my mediumship practice. At the time I swore it was for good. I wasn’t going to be coming back to public mediumship and certainly not at the capacity in which I left it. At the time, there was a whirlwind of things going on in my life and while I projected a mostly “I’ve got this, life is good” persona, I couldn’t see the forest for the trees. Don’t get me wrong, I knew I was navigating some really heavy things in my life. The issue was, I was doing it seemingly by myself.
The six (plus) year relationship I was in fell apart in a matter of months. I was blindsided when it was revealed that the foundation we had built everything on, was never solid. During the following eight months, I did my best to heal the deep cracks, but they seemed to reach all the way to the center of the earth. Simultaneously, I decided to make one of the biggest changes I could, and return to college to attempt attaining my first degree. The feelings of anxiety hit hard. I would be in active panic attacks while driving to Innergistic to do the day of sessions planned. Sometimes, they would be so severe that I found myself vomiting on the side of the highway. In addition, the drama in the community seemed to be at a fever-pitch. Through my decade or so of helping to build the mediumistic community in Tulsa, I had come across my fair share of community drama. Sometimes, due to no one’s fault but my own (I blame it on my youth and being 25 years old). This time was different. The rat race had infected some of my closest colleagues and I found myself at the receiving end of rumors and lies. I just wanted to walk away. If this is what it meant to be a Medium, I wanted no part in it. So, I made the announcement that I was closing my practice. I would no longer be doing one-to-one sessions while I was in pursuit of my degree.
Problem solved? No, no it was just beginning. In May 2021, I left that relationship that I could no longer patch the fractures of. Despite the turmoil, I had great acceptance in doing so. The permission came to me one night during a cacao ceremony in Arkansas. My body weighted into the floor I cried out to the Divine to show me the way, to help me decide what was best for myself and for my children. She answered in sweet revere, with tears streaming down my face. (If you’d like me to write about that specific cocoa ceremony, leave a message in the comments!). Life seemed to aggressively move forward after that night. My then partner demanded to know my decision the very next morning. Despite my pleas for him to wait until I was home, his own journey would not allow it. He moved out before I even had a chance to make it back that night. When we surrender something over to the Divine and are at peace with the answer, I have found that our timeline seems to accelerate.
A few days later I was informed that I would need to undergo my first operation on my cervical spine. An MRI had revealed that the three years of pain I had been experiencing was due to a complete disintegration of a disc in my neck. At 35, I would be heading into the most life-changing season to date. Afraid to go through the surgery alone, I asked a dear friend to accompany me. He offered to stay that night in the hospital with me and then he insisted on caring for me while I recovered. His act of friendship, care and kindness was moving. I had never been more grateful than I was in those weeks, to not be alone.
The beginning of October welcomed bliss. My dear friend proposed to me and I said “yes”. Oddly, I started experiencing lower back pain. At first, it wasn’t of great concern or too painful. As the weeks went on though, I started experiencing continuous muscle spasms in my lower back. It was as if I had a tens unit constantly attached. By the end of the month, I lost my ability to walk unassisted. I was devastated. Here I was, a single Mom of three, in college full time…and I couldn’t even get out of bed on my own. My fiancé was there as much as I would allow him to be. Despite his own work schedule (which was extremely demanding of time), he made sure to be with me everyday and helped me navigate the devastation.
Christmas and New Year’s Eve came and went. We moved into a new house and by mid-February we married. I am happy to say that I did not need a cain to walk towards my husband on our wedding day. I had begun rounds of injections and ablations to stop the spasms and the nerve pain.
While my lower back settled down a bit, my neck and head picked it right up. I began suffering from headaches so severe that I was having tiny little strokes. We were desperately seeking answers. It was as though the doctors were throwing things to the wall to see what would stick. After another MRI, in August 2022, we were given the frustrating news that my cervical spine would need another fusion. I opted to wait until December, so that I could finish out the semester uninterrupted. The surgery went well and recovery couldn’t have gone better. There comes a moment in times like this where you feel like you have it all figured out…FINALLY.
Did we though? No…no….not at all my friends. Sometime between February and March my health took another spiral. I was chronically fatigued. The kind of fatigue that makes your bones hurt. During Spring Break, I made a trip down to Texas to see close friends over the weekend and then stop in Oklahoma City to visit family before I returned to Tulsa. I returned home on Monday morning in so much pain I cried the last few miles of the trip. My husband helped me into bed and that is where I spent the next three and half months. Headaches that caused me to lay in a lightless, soundless room. Fevers that broke and came back and physical pain that felt like it was breaking me. Whatever “it” was, was determined to break me. That is when we made the decision that my breast implants would have to come out. (I had them placed in 2011) My body couldn’t continue to fight like it was. I had very little, to no quality of life. My children deserved their Mama back and my husband deserved a healthy wife. In July, I went under one more time. We prayed for an “easy” operation. That the capsules be completely removed and that there was nothing “unusual” looking that would need to go to pathology. The Divine heard those prayers. The surgeon stating that it was one of the easiest procedures he’s done and that the capsules were easily removed enbloc (this means that there were no rips or pieces missing from it).
As I write this today, I am in a place of deep gratitude. My health and energy levels have improved greatly. I still undergo back injections/ablations, however, there is hope that one day they will no longer be necessary. My immune system is regulating its self more and more everyday. I am no longer plagued with severe fatigue and unable to get out of bed.
It is interesting to write this all out, to see the struggle and to know this: I never left Spirit. They never left me. I thought I was walking away from it all, however, that wasn’t the case at all. While I left my practice and the chaos of a fluctuating community, I walked straight into the arms of the Divine and Spirit. I had to step away in order to fall apart, heal and be rebuilt. The biggest work I would undergo thus far, required me to become still, quiet, and surrender to the process. It required me to allow those around me to help me (which is a big one for me) and in doing so, a new community was formed. I learned that sometimes, our biggest gifts of Spirit, desperately need to be turned inward and used to help ourselves.
This past Saturday, I stepped back into the role I swore to myself I would never do again. I took a seat at a little table inside Innergistic where Spirit and I served our hearts out to the community. I had come back home and my community welcomed me with open arms. I am forever grateful for those arms and for this journey with the Spirit World.