The Beast of Grief

Below is a piece I wrote within the first week of losing my beloved Papa (Grandfather). He was called home December 10th, 2023.

I wanted to post it here because I believe that it may be relatable.

I have been blessed in my life to just now be experiencing the painstaking process of losing a loved one I was so close to. "Close" perhaps isn't the best word of choice. "Interconnected" seems to be a better fit.

This may come across strange to some, especially those that only know me as "Brandie-The Medium". How can one work so regularly with the Spirit world and never have experienced the depth of loss that they are attempting to heal in others? Empathy would be my answer if someone had asked me before Sunday. Empathy.

I am just now truly getting acquainted with the nature of the beast we've named "grief". How she wakes you from your deep slumber. Pulling and tugging at the core of your body. In the beginning you wake to her insistent disruptions... restlessly confused. Are they really gone? Was yesterday the nightmare or am I in it now?

Lack of sleep is medicated with copious amounts of caffeine to see you through the portion of the day in which you are asked to be as "normal" as possible. Things need to be done; papers signed, relatives contacted, pictures gone through, and sitting with your fellow heartbroken clan that lean on you because you...YOU...are their rock right now. The last sentence is the observation of what one of my rocks has, silently and compassionately experienced, as he prepares to say a goodbye he knew was coming....but the reality turned out to be a bit heavier than he had predicted while running through "drills" in the past.

While the tasks exhaust you, you find yourself doing them with purposeful perpetuity. They keep you out of your own mind, your own heart...until you're too exhausted to take another step. In which, you set the coffee pot for an early morning hour...so that you'll have the needed caffeine at hand so...you can repeat it all again tomorrow. Your body eases from "fight or flight"...relaxes into the soft sheets and you feel the tension leave. Perhaps due to tears, that after being held in through the day's-demands, and without permission....finally make their way onto your cheeks, down your face, and soak the pillow cradling your overwhelming and restricted thoughts. You blow your nose with the last of your Puffs lotion tissues, flip your pillow to the dryer side, and allow sleep to take you over...

Only to be awakened again, by the tug..tug...tug...of that beautiful beast...who you realize now...was originally called "love".